When the Quest for Perfect Sleep Becomes the Problem
In the age of optimization, sleep has become the latest frontier in self-improvement. The rise of "sleepmaxxing" -the practice of meticulously tracking, analyzing, and optimizing sleep (of which there are about 100 million posts on TikTok)—has led to a growing obsession with getting the perfect amount of rest. While the intention is completely understandable, the paradox is that our relentless focus on sleep can often backfire. Instead of feeling well-rested, many people are left anxious, frustrated, and even more fatigued than before.
This phenomenon is captured by the term "orthosomnia," which refers to a struggle characterized by anxiety over achieving ideal sleep, often exacerbated by wearable sleep trackers. Ironically, the very tools designed to improve sleep can end up sabotaging it, creating a vicious cycle where the quest for perfection increases stress and hinders natural sleep processes.
Setting the Stage for Sleep (But Not Obsessively)
Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) highlights an essential truth about sleep: we can create conditions that support it, but we cannot force it. Sleep is not a task we accomplish through sheer willpower. When we lie in bed desperately trying to fall asleep, we activate stress and states of hyperarousal—the exact opposite of what fosters rest. The key is to focus on the big picture of our relationship with rest, rather than getting lost in hacks, data, and rigid routines.
Instead of asking, "How can I get myself to sleep better?" we should ask deeper questions about our overall well-being. Are we living in a way that supports restorative sleep? Are we allowing rest in all its forms throughout the day? When we shift our perspective from strict optimization to holistic alignment, we start to understand that sleep is just one part of a larger rhythm of restoration.
The Bigger Picture: Our Relationship with Rest
Rather than thinking of rest as something we “do”, a helpful reframe can be viewing rest as something with which we have a relationship. Consider the following questions:
1. How is Your Relationship with Rest in General?
Modern life glorifies productivity, often leaving rest as an afterthought. Many of us only allow ourselves to rest when we’ve “earned” it or when we’re completely depleted. We fail to take regular breaks and to give our minds and bodies respite from an overstimulating world. We end up getting into bed “tired but wired”.
2. Are We Getting the Various Types of Rest and Restoration?
Remember, true rest is not just about naps and nighttime slumber. Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith identifies seven types of rest: physical, mental, sensory, creative, emotional, social, and spiritual. Sleep alone cannot compensate for a lack of these other forms of rest. For example, if we are mentally overloaded but physically sedentary, our sleep might suffer despite hitting the recommended eight hours. Or if we feel creatively stifled or that our life lacks purpose, we may be left with overall feelings of fatigue and frustration, causing us not to feel well rested or energized throughout the day.
3. If We Feel Tired All the Time, What Are We Really "Tired" Of?
Chronic fatigue isn’t always about sleep or rest deprivation. Sometimes, it’s about emotional exhaustion, decision fatigue, or inequity of the division of labor in our homes. Instead of assuming more sleep is the answer, we should ask what aspects of life are draining us and address those root causes.
4. What Would Help Create "Sleep Drive"?
A strong sleep drive—the natural urge to sleep—depends on a balance of movement, stimulation, and emotional fulfillment. Are we moving our bodies enough during the day? Are we engaging in activities that bring us joy and a sense of accomplishment? Do we feel satisfied rather than stressed at the end of the day? A fulfilled and active life naturally leads to better sleep without the need for micromanagement.
5. Are We Allowing Time for Emotional Processing During the Day?
Unprocessed emotions can keep our minds racing at night. If we constantly suppress stress, frustration, or sadness, these feelings may resurface as nighttime rumination. Taking time to journal, talk through emotions, or engage in mindfulness practices can help offload mental burdens before bedtime.
6. What Would Living in More Overall Attunement and Alignment Look Like?
When our lives align with our values, needs, and natural rhythms, sleep tends to take care of itself. Are we making time for what truly matters? Are we listening to our bodies rather than rigid external metrics? Living in attunement with ourselves can bring the kind of ease that fosters deep rest.
7. How Can We Return to More Natural Rhythms Overall?
Human sleep patterns evolved with the rhythms of nature, yet modern life often disconnects us from them. Artificial light, constant screen exposure, and erratic schedules disrupt our circadian rhythms. Returning to a more natural flow—exposure to sunlight in the morning, dim lighting in the evening, consistent sleep-wake times—can help recalibrate our internal clocks.
Moving Beyond Hacks: A More Sustainable Approach to Sleep
Rather than obsessing over sleep scores and rigid routines, we need to cultivate a healthier, more intuitive relationship with rest. This means:
- Trusting that our bodies know how to sleep when given the right conditions, rather than trying to control every detail.
- Prioritizing overall restoration instead of hyper-focusing on sleep alone.
- Recognizing that rest is a rhythm, not a formula, and that some nights will be better than others—and that’s okay.
At the end of the day, sleep is a natural function, not a performance. When we step back from the pressure to optimize every second of our rest, we often find that sleep comes more easily. Perhaps the best “hack” is no hack at all—just an honest, compassionate relationship with our need for restoration, in all its forms.