Supporting Your Loved Ones: Understanding Anxiety & Eating Struggles

I frequently tell my clients struggling with anxiety and disordered eating that unless someone has been through it themselves, it can be challenging to really understand these issues. However, this is not to say loved ones can’t still fully offer their love and support. It’s kind of like speaking a foreign language; folks that struggle with anxiety and disordered eating, automatically “get it” and are fluent in this language. With loved ones who really want to understand the struggle, this new language must be learned. (The same goes with recovery; the language of recovery must also be acquired. Some of the practices and concepts that are essential to healing do not come naturally for most of us. When working with a therapist or other healing professional, we gradually learn this new language- this new way of being and interacting with the world.)

 

If you are a loved one of someone suffering, here are some basic tenets to help you better understand anxiety and disordered eating. (Important note: every single person’s struggles are unique, and anxiety and disordered eating come in so many different forms. Always, always, always defer to the lived experience of your loved one.)

 

1.     People do not choose anxiety or disordered eating, and often it feels there are many elements to the struggle that they can’t control. (Both of these struggles have biopsychosocial etiologies, meaning they are caused by a combination of genetic, cognitive/emotional, and cultural/environmental factors.)

 

I often tell loved ones there are BOTH elements the individual can control in recovery AND elements that will feel completely out of their control. One example is this: your loved one didn’t choose their struggles, and they also aren’t choosing to become completely flooded or dysregulated (from a nervous system perspective) when they experience various emotions. The neural pathways and circuitry in their brains have been wired and conditioned to respond in specific ways, prompting associated cognitive, emotional, and behavioral responses.  At the beginning, this can be difficult to change. So, when your loved becomes triggered by something, it does not feel as though there is any other choice but to respond with the behaviors that provide relief and regulation (e.g., restricting, binging, purging, escaping, avoiding, engaging in compulsions or substance use, etc.). Here’s where the choice does come in: your loved one can choose to seek help, they can choose to begin learning new ways to cope, and they (hopefully) can and will choose to pursue recovery and healing long term. It’s complex and nuanced, and the journey can be filled with many ups and downs. Just keep in mind that your loved one’s recovery road is not as simple, or as black and white, as: “I want to get better” or “I don’t want to get better”. There are many more factors at play.

 

2.     Struggles with anxiety and disordered eating are NOT a form of weakness or personal failure (or failure on behalf of the family).

See above regarding the etiology of both anxiety and disordered eating. No one asks for these struggles, and it’s not about doing anything “wrong”. I would argue that most individuals who experience these struggles have exquisite sensitivity, deep empathy and compassion (at least towards others), and often display high levels of intelligence and drive. In other words, they have tremendous gifts to share with the world; they just need to learn how to relate to their inner landscape differently and utilize their emotional and mental abilities in a more positive, empowering manner.

 

3.     It can feel as though another “part” of your loved one takes over in moments of struggle; logically, your loved one might know a thought or behavior is irrational or harmful, but this other part of them can overwhelmingly flood their senses.

Emotions are powerful. So is the survival circuitry of our brains. When individuals have not been taught how to effectively manage their emotions or to create safety within their minds and bodies (e.g., trauma survivors), they will experience a sense of threat. As most of us know, the human body has evolved over thousands of years to handle threats very well- a.k.a. the fight, flight or freeze responses. Unfortunately, the human body, in its efforts to keep us safe and alive, can begin to label everything as threatening or potentially harmful. Again, even though your loved one may know rationally that a particular thought or behavior is ineffective, in the moment they most likely do not have full access to higher cognitive functioning. In essence, the amygdala (the part of our brain that controls the fear response) takes over, while the functioning of the prefrontal cortex (the rational part of our brain) is suppressed.

 

4.     Your loved one is truly trying their best to cope with a dysregulated nervous system (meaning a nervous system in which the individual has a difficult time returning to a calm point of stasis). When stressors exceed their ability to effectively regulate, it is important to know that the anxiety and eating behaviors are attempts at regulation.

Those anxiety and eating behaviors, as ineffective and harmful as they may be, are still trying to communicate important needs that aren’t being met! They are serving a purpose in your loved one’s life. Each one of us wants to feel a sense of equilibrium and ease; it’s human nature. However, when we don’t know effective ways to cope or when our bodies have experienced chronic stress or trauma, certain behaviors offer up some much needed relief. If your loved one can figure out what the ineffective behavior is attempting to provide (escape, relief, comfort, soothing, distraction, stability, a sense of aliveness, etc.), they’ll be one step closer to figuring out how to truly regulate.

 

5.     Your role as support person and loved one is vital! Effective approaches include: listening, not trying to fix or solve; empathy and compassion, not judgment and frustration; as well as sturdy and firm support, not collusion with the anxiety or eating disorder.

Humans are wired for connection, and we’re not meant to live life alone. Yet, so many folks in recovery feel ashamed of asking for help. Show your loved one that you’re there for them. Try your best to stay grounded and centered, and seek out your own support as well!

 

I’d love to hear your comments, questions, and thoughts if you’re currently navigating a loved one’s struggle with anxiety and/or an eating disorder (and of course, they often go hand in hand). Please reach out and join the conversation. We’re all in this together.