When Perfectionism & Other Fear-Based Struggles Rule Your Life: Strategies & Tips for Breaking Free
Most of us would readily label anxiety as a fear-based struggle, but we’re often not as cognizant that fear underlies a great deal more of our inner conflict. Fear is at the root of perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing, avoidance, self-sabotage, etc. (This list could go on and on!) What all of these struggles have in common are the individual’s attempt to “play it safe” and remain in control; however, ironically, these struggles keep one entrenched in more anxiety and distress.
At the core of fear-based struggles lies the human instinct for self-preservation, which is 100% understandable. We all engage in behaviors that we believe will shield us from harm (and often times failure). However, when these behaviors and struggles become all-consuming and pervasive, our satisfaction with life and our psychological well-being can greatly suffer.
Let’s take a closer look at perfectionism, which is rampant in our culture and is particularly common among folks with both eating and anxiety disorders. Perfectionists set impossibly high standards for themselves, fearing the consequences of making mistakes or falling short of expectations. Some people experience perfectionism when it comes to their parenting or their domestic duties, for others the perfectionist lens pertains mainly to their career, finances, athletic abilities, eating behaviors, relationships, etc. (It is important to note that cveryone experiences perfectionism differently. Just because you’re not a perfectionist with exercise, for example, doesn’t mean you might not experience high perfectionist tendencies at work.) And here’s the kicker- this fear of failure can compel perfectionists to meticulously analyze every detail, often leading to procrastination and avoidance of tasks that may challenge their sense of competence. I see so many perfectionists who exclaim, “What is wrong with me? Sometimes I’m completely obsessive about my work, unable to walk away from a project; at other times, I can’t seem to get started with anything, avoiding the most mundane tasks for weeks!” This is because perfectionism and the behaviors of procrastination/avoidance are really just two sides of the same coin. The common denominator is the fear-based, black-and-white thinking that posits: “If something isn’t perfect; it’s an utter failure. Therefore, if I can’t do something with absolute perfection, I won’t do it at all.”
So how do we overcome these fear-based struggles? How do we get our lives back and start living again? As always, seeking the help of a licensed mental health professional can be crucial to one’s healing and recovery. In particular, look for a professional highly trained in exposure therapy (formally referred to as exposure and response prevention therapy, or ERP), as well as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and acceptance and commitment Therapy (ACT), as these are empirically-based forms of treatment for struggles with fear. I would also encourage you to seek out a provider who utilizes somatic-based interventions as well, so that a felt sense of safety can be reestablished in the body (which is desperately needed when the fear-response has dominated one’s life).
Helpful Tips to Get Started:
( These apply to perfectionism, in particular, but could certainly be adapted to other fear-based struggles.)
1. Setting Realistic Goals: Set goals that are challenging yet attainable, allowing room for mistakes and learning opportunities. Start with small, manageable tasks and gradually increase the complexity over time. When your task list sends you into overwhelm, I’m a big proponent of simplification and “chunking”, meaning dividing your day into 30 minute or 1 hour segments and choosing only one task, or group of similar tasks, to focus on during that time.
2. Imperfection Journaling: Keep a journal where you will intentionally document instances of imperfection or mistakes you make throughout the day. Reflect on your reactions and emotions towards these imperfections without judgment. Give yourself bonus points if you can reframe the mistake or snafu as an opportunity to learn and/or practice self-compassion towards yourself.
3. Purposeful Mistakes: Engage in activities where making mistakes is not only permissible but encouraged. This could include activities like doodling, cooking without a recipe, making art, free form movement, photography, etc.
4. Role Reversal: Intentionally take on roles or tasks where you are not the expert or in control. This could involve volunteering for activities outside your comfort zone or allowing others to take the lead in group projects or decision-making processes.
5. Specific Imperfection Exposure Challenges: Create specific challenges designed to expose your imperfection and discomfort. For example, you could deliberately leave a task incomplete, end an email with typos, or leave the house without make up or with “messy” hair. For others, leaving dirty dishes in the sink at night might do the trick. :)
6. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Practices: Engage in mindfulness exercises and self-compassion techniques to help yourself become more aware of your perfectionistic tendencies and to cultivate a compassionate response towards yourself. Let’s suppose you’re being really hard on yourself as you look in the mirror, and you experience a strong desire to engage in behaviors to “perfect” your body. You could say to yourself: “Ok, hmm… I’m noticing my perfectionism creep up right now… I’m having urges to control my food intake and body… That makes sense since my appearance has long been tied to my self-worth, out of fear and insecurity…. but this doesn’t have to be my story any more. What would be the most loving, compassionate response to myself right now?”
7. Visualization Exercises: Imagine yourself confronting and overcoming situations that trigger your perfectionistic fears. You might envision yourself walking out onto a beach, with your “imperfect” body, confident and ready to truly enjoy your day in the sun with friends and family. Or imagine yourself owning the fact that you made a mistake at work, and recognizing that your career won’t be over. Think of having a get-together with friends, allowing them to see your messy house, and choosing to focus on the connection and love you feel with them, as opposed to all the judgments you are imagining in your mind.
In order to overcome fear-based struggles, like perfectionsism, the need for absolute safety, control, and certainty must be challenged. We have to learn to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty (which can be painful at times, I know), and learn to trust that we have the ability to cope with what life throws our way. We have to establish an inner confidence and self-identity that allows us to weather the storms of life; we must compassionately believe that our self-worth is a steady, constant in our lives, not easily discarded or eroded by another’s words or behaviors. You deserve a life that is no longer controlled by fear in its many forms, but rather one rooted in and defined by compassion, connection, joy, and meaning.