Whole Healing: Making Peace with all of our “Parts"
“I wish I wasn’t like that.”
“Ugh, I don’t like to think about that time in my life…”
“I’m not very good at feeling sadness or anger….”
“I hate that I have this struggle/this addiction/this pain.”
I hear comments like these all the time in my office, and all of them are completely normal and perfectly understandable. We all have parts of ourselves or parts of our past that we wish weren’t there or that didn’t exist. As humans, we don’t like to feel pain; we’ve been conditioned to focus on the positive and to continuously move forward. However, the parts of ourselves that we often want to sweep under the rug or completely forget about all together, have vital information for our healing. I see this time and time again in my work with eating disorders. Most folks want to move quickly through treatment, focus on symptom reduction, and resume their normal lives. They are exhausted from feeling so poorly and have come to hate the disordered eating and all the havoc it has wreaked on their lives. Trust me, I get it and this makes total sense! However, when we take a deeper dive and really try to get to know the “eating disorder part” from a compassionate stance, we unearth the deeper reasons it emerged in the first place. We come to learn the emotions and unmeet needs attached to it. We learn the core lessons it has to teach us, and this helps safeguard our long-term recovery.
I know this talk about “parts” can feel weird and foreign to many. However, most of us can resonate with the idea that we have different parts of our personalities; these various “sides” or “parts” of us can show up at different times and with different people. One therapeutic model for working with these parts is called Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS posits that the mind is comprised of various subpersonalities or “parts” as he calls them, each with its own unique beliefs, emotions, and motivations. At the core of IFS is the belief that these parts are not inherently problematic but rather serve protective roles in response to life experiences.
The Core Concepts of Internal Family Systems
At the heart of IFS lies the core understanding in the mind’s inherent multiplicity; in other words, the mind contains a complex system of parts that are constantly interacting with one another. These parts can be categorized into two main types: exiles and protectors. Exiles are parts of the psyche that carry unresolved emotional wounds, traumatic memories, or just emotions that we weren’t able (for whatever reason) to fully process, often associated with early childhood experiences. These exiled parts harbor intense emotions such as fear, shame, or sadness, and they may exert a significant influence on an individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
In contrast, protector parts are parts of the psyche that develop strategies to shield the individual from the pain and vulnerability associated with the exiles. According to IFS, there are two types of protector parts: “managers” and “firefighters”. Managers, just like the name implies, help individuals stay in control of life situations, attempting to prevent any sort of pain or sense of rejection. They do this in a number of different ways: striving, controlling, overanalyzing, critiquing, perfecting, caretaking, terrorizing, etc. Think of firefighters as the parts that emerge to “extinguish” the feelings associated when exile parts get activated; these are parts that may engage in alcohol or substance use, binge eating, self-harming behaviors, etc. Both managers and firefighters have the same goal- avoid the pain associated with exiled parts, but they have very different strategies.
The Role of the Self
Central to the IFS model is the concept of the Self, which serves as the core, compassionate, and unifying center of the psyche. Unlike the parts, which may carry fragmented or conflicting beliefs and emotions, the Self embodies qualities such as curiosity, compassion, and clarity. Through the process of IFS therapy, individuals learn to access and cultivate their Self energy, allowing them to engage with their parts from a place of understanding, acceptance, and nonjudgment.
The Therapeutic Process
In IFS therapy, the therapist serves as a guide, helping individuals navigate the intricate landscape of their internal world. Through a process of exploration and dialogue, clients learn to identify and differentiate between their various parts, gaining insight into their unique roles, beliefs, emotions, and needs. By developing a compassionate and collaborative relationship with each part, individuals can begin to heal internal conflicts, resolve emotional wounds, and foster greater integration and peace within the psyche.
I utilize many tenets of a somatic-based IFS in my practice with clients, and I see the benefits daily. In the case of eating disorders, we unpack specifically what the various eating disorder “parts” have to share- the restricting part, the binging part, the body shaming/judging part, the over-exercising part, etc. Often times (perhaps most of the time) it takes a lot of work and patience to actually “get” to the exiled part beneath …there can be so many other parts that step up, interfere, or get loud when trying to reach one’s core wounds or underlying struggles and pain. However, by remaining compassionate and patient, we can develop an inner map of each client’s sub-personalities and parts, understand how they all fit together, and ultimately access our own healing inner wisdom.
So the next time you’re tempted to reject a certain part of yourself or your experience, see if you can shift your perspective- even just a little. See if you can take a more compassionate approach. Practice being curious or asking yourself what deeper emotion might be at play, what type of “part” might be activated, and what message or need may exist in the whole experience.
If you’re interesting in learning more about IFS, or somatic-based IFS, I encourage you to check out the following resources: