Struggle to Relax? When “Stressed Out” Becomes the Brain’s Default Mode & What to Do About It
“I want to relax, but I feel like I don’t really know how.”
“When I try to relax, I’m fine for a few moments, but then my mind starts racing, and I can’t stand it any more…”
“There’s just way too much to do…I feel like I never get to push the ‘off’ button.”
Sound familiar? Seemingly, we’re all aware of the benefits of relaxation to both our physical and mental health. Many of us struggle with actually committing it to our calendars, and then, even when we do, reaching a Zen state proves elusive. However, when we look at the often frenetic pace of our modern lives, is it any wonder? Many individuals operate in a chronic state of stress; there is a perpetual activation of the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and an inhibiting activation of the parasympathetic nervous system (relaxation and restoration), meaning our “calm response” never quite gets turned out, since we fear what might happen if we learn to let go (e.g., too many “balls” will get dropped, our job might suffer, we won’t be “enough” somehow, etc.).
Here's how our nervous system responds to this chronic state of activation and stress and why it can be so difficult to break out of this cycle:
Sympathetic Nervous System Dominance: When we're constantly busy and rushing, our sympathetic nervous system remains in a state of activation. This system is responsible for the "fight or flight" response, mobilizing the body's resources to respond to perceived threats. In a modern context, these threats might include looming deadlines, traffic jams, overwhelming workloads, or our kids’ wellbeing. In essence, it’s as if our mind/body is constantly “on” and in high-alert. This means the “lens” through which we come to view the world is one of constant scanning and threat detection. “What if my daughter doesn’t make the team? I don’t think she’ll be able to handle the disappointment- this could really damage her self-esteem!” “What if I get fired? I’ll end up broke and unable to pay the bills!” “My partner has been acting strange…I think he’s going to leave me…”
Cortisol Release: Prolonged stress and constant busyness trigger the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones prepare the body for action, increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and alertness. However, sustained elevation of cortisol levels can have negative effects on both physical and mental health, contributing to issues like anxiety, depression, and burnout. Unfortunately, this can perpetuate the stress cycle: we feel anxious and depressed, or completely burnout, which can cause us to worry even more.
Feedback Loop in the Brain & Habituation to Stress: The brain operates through various feedback mechanisms that reinforce patterns of behavior. When we're constantly rushing and stressed, the brain perceives this state as the norm- the default mode of operation, and adapts accordingly. Neural pathways associated with stress and hyperarousal become strengthened, making it increasingly difficult to shift out of this mode. Imagine the neural pathways as a brook or stream running down a mountain. Over time, that running water cuts a fairly deep groove. Our patterns of thinking and behaving become more entrenched, and following that “groove” becomes more and more natural. Further, when we are in this groove or chronic stress mode, it can be very difficult to recognize it (after all, it’s become our norm), and unfortunately, we are less likely to take steps to mitigate the stress.
Breaking out of the cycle of constant busyness and stress requires intentional effort and a willingness to prioritize self-care. This might involve:
Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Rest and Recovery: Establishing boundaries around work, commitments, and responsibilities can create space for resetting our nervous system (moving out of the stress response) and accessing calm. These boundaries will need to be fiercely protected and prioritized, especially since our culture and the many demands of our life will constantly push back.
Practicing Mindfulness and Stress-Reduction/Calming Techniques: Cultivating present-moment awareness through mindfulness practices can help interrupt patterns of stress and reactivity, allowing for greater clarity and emotional regulation. Other stress-reducing/calm-cultivating practices can include deep breathing, meditation, yoga, accupuncture, body-based therapies, progressive muscle relaxation, journaling, nature walks, prayer, listening to music, etc.
Seeking Social Support: Connecting with friends, family, and community for emotional support and companionship can help buffer the effects of stress and foster a sense of belonging and connection. Further, seeking a group of like-minded individuals, support people who will encourage you to slow down, prioritize your needs, and resist “hustle culture”, can be incredibly healing.