So many of these struggles have a core component that we often overlook- shame. Shame certainly isn’t easy to talk about… Most of us want to avoid it like the plague, but sociologists and psychologists alike refer to shame as “the master emotion”, so it would behoove us all to understand it a bit better. Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and shame, differentiates between shame, guilt, and embarrassment, which often get confused. After decades of research, she came to define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging (i.e., “I am bad”, “I’m screwed up”). Guilt, on the other hand, is feeling bad about something we have done, which can motivate positive behavior change (i.e., “I’ve made a mistake, but I’m still ok as a person”). Embarrassment is a fleeting feeling when we believe we have done something that makes others momentarily think less of us, but it's usually less intense and way more transient than shame and guilt.
The Ineffectiveness of Shame in Modern Parenting and Education (and yet it’s used all the time…)
From an evolutionary perspective, shame developed as a mechanism to keep us socially connected and alive. Early humans depended on their tribes for survival, and behaviors that risked expulsion from the group (e.g., hurting others or other antisocial behaviors) were a threat to survival. Shame, therefore, helped to enforce social norms and maintain cohesion within the tribe by discouraging these behaviors. It’s helpful, then, to think of shame as an emotion that discourages extreme, harmful behaviors. In today’s world, shame is often used as a tool in parenting, schools, and other domains to control and motivate behavior; however, it can be argued that the emotion of shame is misplaced, inaccurate, and even harmful in these contexts. For example, parents might say, "You should be ashamed of yourself," when a child tells a lie or is mean to a sibling, or teachers might publicly reprimand a student in front of peers, “Stop! What’s wrong with you?”, when a child keeps goofing around with friends. While this might produce immediate compliance or change, the use of shame is ultimately ineffective and damaging. We must ask ourselves in these contexts: do we want the child to feel inherently flawed and unworthy? Did they do something that truly warrants them feeling they are bad or that something is wrong with them? Shame attacks the core of a person’s identity, rather than promoting genuine behavioral change. Shame is such a powerful emotion that it actually causes the brain to react as if it were facing true physical danger, meaning the individual goes into a fight/flight/freeze response. Repeated episodes of experiencing shame can also lead to anxiety, depression, and a host of other mental health issues. There are other ways to prompt change and desired results in our children; shaming them is not one of them. To motivate behavior more effectively, it's important to focus on connection, understanding, and positive reinforcement. Encouraging children to understand the impact of their actions (and yes, feeling appropriate guilt) and guiding them towards making amends can foster a sense of responsibility and empathy. Phrases like, "That behavior is unacceptable/not ok, and I know you can do better," or "Let's figure out how to solve this together," promote growth without damaging self-worth.
Healing Shame and Building Resilience
Healing from shame involves developing resilience and using our minds and bodies differently in response to shame triggers. Here are some strategies:
Recognize the shame. Recognizing shame involves identifying when we are in the grip of a shame experience. This awareness is crucial, as shame thrives in secrecy and silence. By naming it, we start to strip away its power.
Grounding. Take deep breaths and try orienting yourself to your surroundings by looking at specific objects around you. Getting up and closely examining something interesting can ground you in the present moment. Shame typically causes us to want to withdraw into our inner worlds and retreat from the world around us; acting in an opposite manner to these urges can help us strengthen our coping response to this emotion.
Understand your personal shame triggers. Understanding our shame triggers involves looking at the specific situations and contexts that elicit shame in us. These triggers are often deeply personal and tied to our upbringing, societal expectations, and personal values. By exploring and understanding these triggers, we can better anticipate and manage shame responses when they arise.
Practice critical awareness. This means examining the social and cultural messages that contribute to our feelings of shame. It involves questioning and challenging these messages rather than accepting them as truth. This is so important! This step encourages us to develop a more compassionate and realistic view of ourselves and our experiences. As mentioned above- we have to ask ourselves: “Is shame really justified/appropriate here? Am I ‘bad’ or deeply flawed?”
Reach out! This is perhaps the most transformative step in developing shame resilience. Sharing our shame stories with trusted friends or loved ones can dissipate shame’s power. Empathy is a powerful antidote to shame. When others respond to our vulnerabilities with understanding and compassion, it reinforces our sense of worthiness and belonging.
Take up space. Shame causes us to want to “get small” (i.e., run away, disappear, crawl into a hole). Instead of collapsing and shrinking down, try lengthening your spine and adopt what Amy Cuddy refers to as a “power pose” (the idea that when you adopt a body position that is upright and expansive, you can feel more confident). Again, it’s all about questioning your shame narrative and getting to rewrite the script in a more empowered manner.
Cultivate self-compassion. When shame sets in, place a hand on your heart and send warmth to yourself. This physical act can foster self-compassion and reduce the harshness of your inner critic. It might sound a bit cheesy, so find what works for you, but self-compassion is truly our best friend when it comes to dismantling shame.
Healing shame and building shame resilience is a continuous process. It requires ongoing reflection, self-compassion, and connection with others. By engaging in these practices, we can cultivate a life where shame no longer dictates our actions or self-worth, allowing us to live more authentically and wholeheartedly.