Helping our Kids Navigate Friendships in the Tween & Teen Years
I can still vividly remember the social landscape of my middle and high school years. To this day, the memories of my peers and me navigating various social hierarchies and dynamics are crystal clear, permanently etched into my brain. That time when two boys started a terrible fight in math class, the teasing that occurred due to a friend’s rapidly developing body, the ever-shifting alliances between various friends and social circles… I remember my first crush and the resulting heartbreak when we broke up. My friend group, particularly in high school, meant everything to me (but we were not without our share of drama, trust me). I spent hours paging my girlfriends coded messages (total child of the 90’s here), talking to them until the wee hours of the morning, and hanging at each other’s houses. I remember going to football games, track meets, parties, and spring break trips together. I loved my family, don’t get me wrong, but my friendships were of paramount importance. In fact, I believed no greater friends had ever existed and that we would remain connected forever. Sound familiar? In the tween and teen years, when identity is swiftly evolving and foundational social-emotional skills are being acquired, the role of relationships cannot be understated. We help shape our friends, and they invariably shape us.
Therefore, if you’re a parent like me, the question becomes: how do we help our kids develop strong relationships and social-emotional skills amidst a challenging developmental stage, especially considering modern-day circumstances and pressures? We can begin answering this question by diving into and better understanding the following ideas: 1) key components influencing and influenced by friendship during these formative years, 2) relational difficulties tweens/teens face and why, 3) attributes of positive and supportive relationships, and 4) effects of these relationships on overall mental health.
Key Components Influencing and Influenced by Adolescent Friendships
1. Identity Formation:
During adolescence, individuals undergo significant identity formation, seeking to understand who they are and where they fit within the world around them. Friendships provide a crucial context for this exploration. Peers offer feedback, validation, and comparison points that help adolescents refine their self-concept. Supportive friends can bolster self-esteem and confidence, whereas negative peer interactions can lead to self-doubt and identity confusion. One’s identity, of course, also significantly impacts the types of friends one pursues in the first place. The development of both one’s relationships and core identity, therefore, is a reciprocal process that evolves over time. It’s not unusual for adolescents during these years to remark: “I was so different 2 years ago!” Or: “I can’t believe we were friends!” A lot of change can occur in a relatively short amount of time, as tweens/teens continue to gain important information about themselves and their peers.
2. Social-Emotional Skills:
Tweens/teens also develop critical social-emotional skills through their interactions with friends. These skills include empathy, communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation. Positive friendships provide a safe space for practicing these skills, leading to better emotional intelligence and social competence. Conversely, a lack of supportive friendships can hinder the development of these essential skills, impacting long-term mental health and relational success.
It’s also important to note that both identity formation and social-emotional skills acquisition are greatly impacted by the type of interactions we experience. It turns out we truly need synchronous, face-to-face interactions. Our brains require and rely upon a vast amount of sensory input to learn and grow; a high level of interaction in virtual spaces can prevent us from acquiring foundational skills in these domains. Encouraging children and adolescents to put down their phones, play, take appropriate risks, get outside, and engage in real-time relationships are essential. (See my post on “An Epidemic of Disconnection in a Time of Hyper-connectivity” for more of my thoughts on what we can do to help our children attain the necessary skills for their whole health and development, a lot of which pertains to moving away from a phone-based childhood and adolescence to a play-based one).
Relational Difficulties Teens/Tweens Face and Why
(a.k.a., Why the drama, bullying/teasing, and the “mean girl”?)
Teens and tweens face a myriad of relational challenges, often manifesting as drama, bullying, teasing, or the "mean girl" phenomenon. (Let’s be clear- a child of any gender can, of course, act in a mean manner; the mean girl stereotype just gets a lot of media and societal attention.) It’s so important to remember that kids are experiencing intense emotional and cognitive changes during these years, along with striving to establish their identities and navigate complex social hierarchies. Peer acceptance feels absolutely essential. As mentioned above, this is because peer groups serve as a conduit for social-emotional learning and identity formation, as well as integration into broader social contexts and communities. Put simply, adolescents are stepping into their own and are naturally seeking to differentiate themselves from their families. This process is completely normal. Unfortunately, this heightened need for acceptance and the corresponding fear of exclusion can drive behaviors like bullying or teasing. Further, the adolescent brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex governing impulse control and empathy, is not yet fully matured. We can’t forget this!
Teens and tweens who grapple with deep-seated insecurities or who have low levels of emotional regulation may be particularly primed to engage in mean-spirited behaviors. Insecure individuals may seek to secure their social standing at all cost, even if it means being mean to others, so they can protect themselves and assert dominance. For adolescents who have experienced significant pain without adequate coping mechanisms in place, the unresolved emotions can manifest as cruelty or mean behavior toward peers as well.
Social media can also play a significant role for all teens in terms of relational difficulties, amplifying conflicts and providing a platform for mean behaviors with little recourse. It is fairly “easy”, unfortunately, to act out one’s worst impulses behind the anonymity of a screen. The real-time reaction on someone’s face to the cruelty cannot be observed; there are often no consequences or accountability either. Teens can act impulsively, spewing hateful words in a matter of seconds, yet the damage can linger for years (and be preserved digitally forever).
So, how do we address these difficulties? First, we label them for the difficulties and challenges that they are; we don’t just say, “Oh, that’s just kids being kids”. This is not a helpful or empowering stance. Unfortunately, I hear this too much. Yes, the emotions and desires are all normal for kids: the insecurity, the jealousy, the need to be accepted… but we don’t need to normalize or dismiss mean or cruel behavior. We must foster increased emotional intelligence in our tweens and teens- teaching emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills, as well as creating supportive environments where empathy, inclusivity, and respect are prioritized. We need to better teach our kids about responsible online behavior and more effectively monitor their online activities. We can also engage in ongoing discussions about what it means to be a “real”, supportive friend.
Attributes of Positive, Supportive Friendships
Here are just some of the elements researchers have identified that contribute to a positive, supportive friendship:
1. Mutual Respect and Understanding:
Healthy friendships are characterized by mutual respect and understanding. Friends in such relationships listen to each other, value each other's opinions, and respect individual differences. This mutual respect fosters a sense of security and belonging. I will ask my kids: “What do you and your friends talk about? Do they really listen to you, and you to them? Do you and your friends ask questions showing your interest and concern?”
2. Trust and Loyalty:
Trust and loyalty are cornerstones of supportive friendships. Trustworthy friends provide a reliable support system, which is particularly crucial during the tumultuous adolescent years. Loyalty reinforces the stability of the relationship, making it a safe haven for emotional expression and support. You can ask your child: “Would you feel safe sharing a secret or something private with this friend?”
3. Effective Communication:
Open and honest communication is vital for resolving conflicts and deepening the friendship bond. Adolescents who can communicate effectively with their friends are better equipped to handle disagreements and maintain strong, healthy relationships. Here’s a question to consider: “Does it feel safe in your relationship to share your emotions and struggles, or to address a problem in the relationship?” Strong, resilient relationships can handle stress and the challenges of life.
4. Shared Interests and Activities:
Shared interests and activities help build a sense of camaraderie and strengthen the friendship bond. Engaging in common hobbies or activities provides opportunities for positive interactions and shared experiences, enhancing the overall quality of the relationship. I think this is an easy concept for our kids to understand; however, I might also add that engaging with others who have different interests can also be an eye-opening experience. We all learn from each other, and we’ll never know if we like something new unless we’re exposed to it.
It can be so powerful to sit down with your child to discuss the markers of both healthy and unhealthy relationships (e.g., unhealthy markers consisting of constant conflict or drama, lack of trust, betrayal, etc.). It can be helpful to view relationships as existing on a spectrum; relationships aren’t always so black and white ( “good vs. bad” or “healthy vs. unhealthy”), but rather they’re marked by a mixture of characteristics. It’s up to us to decide if the relationship, ultimately, is in alignment with our values and needs. I think it’s also crucial that we normalize the notion that relationships change and evolve over time, and that we are allowed to establish and maintain boundaries in all our relationships (i.e., use our voice, ask for what we need or don’t want, and in some cases, end a relationship if it jeopardizes our wellbeing).
Impact of Supportive Peer Relationships
Research consistently highlights the profound impact of supportive peer relationships on adolescent mental health. In fact, research shows that supportive peer relationships, even more than familial relationships, are the biggest predictor of positive psychosocial functioning for adolescents (Van Harmelen et al., 2017). Positive friendships are associated with higher levels of self-esteem, reduced anxiety and depression, and improved academic performance. Adolescents with strong peer support are more likely to exhibit resilience in the face of challenges and demonstrate healthier coping mechanisms. Supportive friendships also contribute to a sense of belonging and community, which is crucial during the adolescent years. Feeling connected to peers can buffer against the negative effects of stress and promote overall psychological well-being. On the other hand, a lack of supportive peer relationships can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and increased vulnerability to mental health issues, like depression and anxiety.
Addressing friendship and relational issues in the tween and teen years can feel like a daunting task, but it doesn’t have to be so anxiety-provoking. Helping your child develop a strong sense of self and effective social-emotional skills is ultimately rooted in a secure, connected relationship with you. When everything feels confusing or chaotic- we can simply ask ourselves: “How can I truly connect and be present with my child right now, in this moment?” From that rooted, grounded presence, we can then help them better understand why people can be mean and how they can best protect and take care of themselves when this occurs. We can teach them what it means to be a supportive friend, and how to establish and maintain boundaries. We can model the power of friendship by nurturing and prioritizing our own connections with others. Perhaps most importantly, we can be a safe place for them to land, doling out tons of compassion and unconditional love, when the storms of adolescence blow their way. They’ll learn to trust that they are strong and resilient- that they can make it through, and so can you.
Van Harmelen, A. L., Kievit, R. A., Ioannidis, K., Neufeld, S., Jones, P. B., Bullmore, E., ... & NSPN Consortium. (2017). Adolescent friendships predict later resilient functioning across psychosocial domains in a healthy community cohort. Psychological medicine, 47(13), 2312-2322.