I’ve always felt annoyed by media depictions of mental health therapists. In fact, quite often I find myself cringing and having to change what I’m watching. Popularized notions of therapy seem to look like this: a pleasant but often meek-looking therapist just nodding along, barely getting in a few “and how does that make you feel” questions, while another individual vents their life problems.
What therapy (at least the effective kind) actually looks like is a whole different ballgame. Yes, there can be value in verbally processing the events of our lives and certainly in identifying our emotions. However, there is so much more to the picture. Effective therapy encourages a person to become “unstuck” from their problems, to move towards a solution. If venting occurs, it’s in the service of encouraging a person to identify and express a particular emotion, or to help them identify dynamics or patterns. Good therapy confronts and challenges- compassionately, of course. Effective therapy looks different than a conversation with a friend, in that the therapist is trained to be strategic and effective at delivering specific interventions to help the client. Every interaction (or the vast majority) is intended to move the client closer to their goals.
What can happen in therapy, and on the individual level as well, is that we get stuck in a pattern where we are spinning our wheels, or worse- colluding with our dysfunctional patterns. (I think this is, sadly, what a lot of TV shows and movies depict: lackluster therapy that displays a lot of venting but no real prompting of growth and change). I should add that this can happen to all of this! Whether on a personal level in our individual lives, in sessions with our own therapists, or in sessions where WE are the therapists. I think why I cringe at mediocre or even “bad” depictions of therapy is that I deeply believe and know there is so much more for all of us.
I think we are often at risk for this dilemma: we believe the constant talking and analyzing will actually be the thing that “solves” the problem. We are a culture that highly values the intellect, so it makes sense that we would approach problems from this perspective. However, it can’t stop there. There’s a significant moment of realization for most of us when we’re truly struggling - understanding that recovery and healing is not merely in the talking, reading, or learning about our struggles but in the active, conscious steps we take every day. Understanding and awareness are crucial components of recovery, don’t get me wrong, but the real transformation occurs when we start to live our lives differently—when we move beyond understanding our problems to actively working on them.
Are You in the Comfort Zone of Talking, Analyzing or Endless Googling?
Again, it’s completely natural to want to understand our problems. Knowledge is empowering. It helps us make sense of our experiences and validates our feelings. Reading books, doing research online, attending therapy sessions, and talking about our issues are essential first steps. They can create a foundation of awareness and provide us with valuable insights and tools. However, there’s a potential pitfall in this stage: becoming ensconced in the problem. When we’re stuck in a cycle of analysis and discussion, we find ourselves continually revisiting the same issues without making tangible progress. Here’s the kicker: this phase can feel productive because we’re engaged in activities that feel like they’re contributing to our healing. Yet, without translating this knowledge into action, we remain static.
Some questions to consider:
1. How often do you find yourself discussing the same issue repeatedly without taking concrete steps to address it?
2. Do you notice a recurring pattern of frustration, anxiety, or helplessness when you talk about this problem?
3. When discussing your problem, do you focus more on analyzing and understanding it rather than brainstorming or implementing potential solutions?
4. How frequently do you seek advice or feedback from others about this issue, and do you tend to dismiss their suggestions or feel unsatisfied with their responses? (Or just find yourself needing their validation over and over again?)
5. Have you set specific, achievable goals to address the problem? If so, are you actively working towards these goals, or do you find yourself continually revising or second-guessing them?
6. Can you identify any tangible changes in your behavior or circumstances as a result of your discussions, or do things remain largely the same?
7. How does continually analyzing and discussing the problem affect your overall well-being and mental health? Do you feel more overwhelmed, stuck, or drained as a result?
Moving Toward the Solution
A huge key to breaking free from this cycle lies in the doing. Growth and healing require us to take the insights we’ve gained and apply them to our daily lives. It’s about making intentional choices. Here are some ways to move from talking to doing:
1. Set Actionable Goals: Instead of vague intentions like "I want to feel better," set specific, measurable goals. For example, "I will practice mindful eating during lunch every day this week. I’m going to set an alarm as a reminder." Clear goals give us direction and a sense of achievement as we accomplish them.
2. Create a Routine: Establishing a routine that includes self-care, healthy habits, and coping strategies can provide structure and stability. It helps integrate new behaviors into our daily life, making them a natural part of our routine.
3. Challenge “Looping”/Self-Defeating Thoughts: Actively work on recognizing and challenging repetitive, “looping” thought patterns, as well as any self-defeating thoughts. Practice stepping back from them, reframing them in the moment, and identifying the deeper emotions that may be at play. For example, “Hmmm… I find myself obsessing about that fight with my boss and how terrible I think she is….I think this is because I’m feeling both frustrated and powerless at work, and it’s my mind’s attempt at “working” it all out. What’s one thing I can do to deal with my frustration and/or sense of powerlessness?”
4. Don’t forget to live and look for the joy! Sometimes we forget that our lives our so much “bigger” than our struggles or problems. We zoom in with laser-like focus, striving to fix, correct, or get better… These are admirable desires and goals. And they don’t tell the full picture. When clients come to see me, whether for a life transition, for an eating disorder, or for anxiety, I often prompt them: “Tell me something about yourself that is completely unrelated to what you’re struggling with right now. I want to get to know the full you.” Don’t forget that your struggle doesn’t define you and that you have a big, full life to live.
5. Support is Everything! Surround yourself with a supportive, uplifting community. This could be a support group, friends, or family who really “get” and understand you. If you’re feeling stuck in therapy- please tell your therapist! This could be an incredible opportunity to discuss patterns, both in your everyday life and within sessions, that are holding you back.
6. Practice Self-Compassion: Healing and growth are not linear processes. There will be setbacks and difficult days, as we all know. Practicing self-compassion means being kind to ourselves during these times, as well as staying committed to our path. Celebrate the small and big wins and approach every setback as just more information to aid in your journey.
The Power of Doing
Yes, we live in a culture of always doing, being on at all times, forever aiming to increase our productivity… To be clear, the doing that I’m referring to here is a much different kind. Think less hustle and striving, and more living into a new way of being. There is power in this approach, and if we want to see real recovery and change, our actions must match our words. We can talk about our newly gained insights, the changes that need to occur, and the steps we will take to meet our goals; however, ultimately, we must put into practice the life we desire and intend to create.