Digging Deep: Finding the Real You Beneath It All

***Below is a repost of a blog I wrote about 3 years ago, entitled “I have no idea who I am: Eating disorders and self-identity.” This question of identity comes up frequently in my work with clients, but not just with eating disorders. I see it with folks who have experienced anxiety and other mood disorders for much of their life, or various forms of addiction as well. I observe identity struggles in those who had to “grow up fast” during their childhood, becoming the responsible and dependable ones in their families due to parental inabilities to effectively manage the home. I witness it all the time with individuals who have lived their entire lives in service to others (while neglecting their own wellbeing), whether due to societal norms or other pressures. (This can be the case for many parents, mothers especially, who’ve spent much of their lives raising children, only to discover that they have abandoned their own desires and needs.) Whatever caused or contributed to your identity struggles, I hope you find direction and hope in the words below.***

 

So many of my clients look absolutely baffled when I ask them versions of the following questions:

• Who were you before the eating disorder, and/or who do you want to be after you’ve recovered?

• What would you be thinking about if the exercise obsession/chronic dieting/binge eating didn’t consume your life?

• What is the REAL you like?

• Given an entirely free day (and no one around to judge or demand things of you), how would you spend it?

• What sparks joy or energizes you in your daily life? Or, what has in the past?

These questions, while seemingly harmless, can bring a sense of dread and even panic to individuals who have long suffered with eating disorders. Eating disorders can develop at such a young age; for many people, these struggles emerge during a time of life when one’s identity is beginning to form. Rather than cultivating a solid sense of self, by being curious and pursuing one’s dreams, desires, and needs, folks with eating disorders develop unhealthy identities rooted in rigidity, perfectionism, shame, and vicious behavioral patterns. Social scientists call this an “impoverished self” or “identity impairment”.  In essence, a healthy relationship with self is replaced with very unhealthy, distorted relationships with food and body image. 

 So, it’s entirely understandable to think of the terror that can accompany thoughts of recovery and a new self-identity (or rediscovering a long forgotten one). Think of going on a first date or starting any new relationship. It’s nerve-wracking, right? Completely new beginnings…unchartered territory…anxiety….vulnerability….risk…lots of unknowns…. fear of rejection… and I could go on.

 But how do I go about this?

Where do I even begin?”

It’s too overwhelming to even think about…

And perhaps the most heart-breaking of all the ponderings I hear:

I’d rather live with the familiar and known, even if it IS painful, than venture out into the unknown….what if I don’t like who I am at the end of it all? Or what if other people don’t?

Here’s the deal- like any relationship, forming a new sense of self or identity takes time. Self-knowledge, trust, and connection don’t happen overnight. However, it starts with willingness- a willingness to pursue a different direction for your life. It takes curiosity- a lot of it, along with a healthy dose of patience. You’ll also need to give yourself permission to explore, to ask questions, and to try and to fail. You’ll need to give yourself permission to invest in yourself, and in the version of yourself you want to become. This won’t happen, however, if you aren’t intentional about it. Set aside the time, clear out the distractions, mark it on the calendar, and hire that sitter if needed. Work closely with your therapist if you have one, and find your support people to lean on during the process.

Below are some helpful prompts to get you started:

• What did you “lose time” doing as a child? (In other words, you were so engrossed in the activity that you could spend hours engaged with it…)

• What did people (who you love and trust) say about your personal affinities/talents/passions when growing up? (Word of caution: this is incredibly personal work, and you don’t want to externalize your self-identity or base it on another’s opinion, but this question can be helpful when it points to something that resonates within you.)

• What topics do you find yourself most passionate about? 

• What podcasts/articles/books/music/art are you most drawn to?

• Look over the past day (or week)- what activities or people energized you and which drained you?

• Make a point to journal daily, or as often as you can, about your day- what inspired you? What frustrated you? What did you learn? What piqued your curiosity or interest the most? Good relationships are based on good communication and listening; our relationship with our self is no different. We have to listen “in”!

• Schedule regular (emphasis on “regular”!) “me” dates, in which the sole purpose is to reconnect to lost parts of yourself or to discover new ones- different loves, interests, passions, etc. Throw all judgment and perfectionism out the window. (I.E. “But if I only have one hour to myself, it’s got to be worth it!”) This type of thinking can create more anxiety and pressure, harming the whole process, and often leads to avoidance and self-neglect in the end.

Needless to say, recovery from an eating disorder takes identifying the root cause, implementing new coping skills, healing from past traumas and wounds, and learning to reconnect in empowering ways to your mind and body. However, identity work is always there (at least to some extent), underneath it all. As you or your loved one progresses through recovery, remember that this part takes time, but it’s worth taking every step. The eating disorder was never meant to replace the real “you”; it was there to raise a cautionary flag that a better life -a richer, more authentic one- was waiting.