The Arrival Fallacy: Why Waiting for Happiness Keeps Us from Truly Living

In high school, it was working tirelessly to be accepted into college. In college, it morphed into building a strong resume and transcript for graduate school. Then the goals shifted to becoming fully licensed, getting married, buying a house, having children, going back to school, opening my own private practice… I’ve spent much of my life with my eyes focused forward, my attention on the next big thing, but that came at a cost, and eventually I had to change my relationship with ambition and drive.

There is nothing inherently wrong with setting goals or focusing on acheivement. The problem lies in the extent to which we attach value and certain feelings to these goals, and the extent to which we feel we’ll have finally arrived once we accomplish or attain them. It’s called the “arrival fallacy”- this belief that happiness, fulfillment, or worth is just one accomplishment away.

I’ll be set once I get this promotion.

I’ll be happy once I find a partner…

Once the kids go off to school, I’ll be able to focus on me…

I’ll feel worthy and competent once I have that degree…

I’ll feel complete when we start a family….

I’ll feel so much better about myself when I lose___ pounds.

 

Humans are both highly relational and highly driven to succeed; this is baked in from an evolutionary standpoint. Can children, partners, or jobs bring happiness? Absolutely! Again, we are wired to desire connection and a life in which we flourish. However, if these aspects of our lives are the only things that bring happiness or a sense of self-worth, we can run into difficulty. The same goes with specific goals or achievements.  I’ve heard countless stories of individuals striving towards some goal-  publishing a book, earning an Olympic medal, losing weight, closing a major deal-only to feel empty or disappointed afterwards. Not in the immediate aftermath… No, that time is usually filled with celebration, accolades, and feelings of elation and pride. However, when the dust settles, these individuals voice a version of a common sentiment: “Well, now what?” or “That didn’t feel quite like I though it would…”

 

It's so easy to fall into this trap of thinking, especially given the culture we live in. The narrative of “more, more, more” and “onward and upward” permeates all areas of our life: our careers, relationships, material possessions, spirituality, body image, etc. As a mental health and certified eating disorders expert, I often see how this mindset can deeply impact emotional well-being and overall life satisfaction. People invest so much energy in chasing these external markers of success or happiness that they overlook the importance of living in the present moment. The irony is that even when these goals are achieved, the happiness they bring is often fleeting. After the initial high fades, new goals emerge, and the cycle of striving and dissatisfaction begins again.

So, how do we break the cycle?

Mindfulness offers a powerful antidote to the arrival fallacy. By practicing mindfulness, we learn to be present with ourselves as we are right now, rather than constantly looking to the future for happiness. Mindfulness teaches us that we are enough in this very moment, regardless of what we’ve accomplished or what we still hope to achieve. It encourages us to embrace our current experience with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment and impatience.

In my own life, I’ve had to really ask myself what is motivating my goals. Is it because I want recognition? More financial success? Do I think it will result in more happiness? Will I finally feel like I’ve proven myself or somehow “made it”? If the reason behind the goal is aligned with my core values, and here’s the kicker- I can ALSO imagine myself truly enjoying the process behind it, and not just the result- then I’m usually all in. However, if it’s about looking for fleeting, external measures of worth, not aligned with my values, or involves a process I know will not serve me well…the answer is no.

 

The truth is, life is happening right now—not in some distant, imagined future. When we anchor our happiness to future events, we miss out on the richness of the present. As cliché as it is, the key to true well-being lies in recognizing that we are already complete, just as we are. The goals and achievements we seek can be valuable and meaningful, but they are not the true source of our worth or happiness. So, see “arrival thinking” for the fallacy that it is. Remember that the best things in life can’t really be chased, but rather accessed and cultivated right here, right now.