I’ve been writing a lot on my social media feeds about what I’m ushering “out” for 2024, and what I’m choosing to bring “in”. Out with self-critique and constant comparison, in with self-compassion and alignment…Out with diet culture and the constant objectification of the human body, in with intuitive eating and embodied living…Out with clutter and living life according to my to-do list, in with simplification and more joy…
But ushering aspects of our lives “out” is easier said than done, agreed? Sometimes letting go of past hurts, belief systems, or ways of interacting with the world takes a level of emotional excavation that makes us feel highly uncomfortable. Let’s take poor body image for example: we have to examine the ways in which a negative body image impacts our life (our intimate relationships, our kids, how we navigate the world, etc.); we need to heal from the wounds that started it all (often cultural or familial influences); we must examine how these beliefs may have “served” us, or enabled us to avoid deeper issues over the years; and we have to begin the journey of forgiveness, learning to trust again, and embracing new narratives for ourselves. This work is not for the faint of heart… In fact, I can completely understand why so many people forgo this work all together.
But can I let you in on a little secret?
Most people I know are so ready for this work. In fact, they are often desperate for change. And it’s not the rooting around and examining that trip them up. So many folks can readily identify the ways in which old patterns of living hold them back, and they’re able to recognize the new ways they want to live. They can even understand the ways in which they may have self-sabotaged over the years… Here’s what trips them up the most: forgiveness and taking a leap of faith (i.e., choosing a voice other than fear).
Forgiveness
Glennon Doyle recently wrote an essay on forgiveness that painted the concept in a fresh light for me. In her writing she says that forgiveness isn’t about letting go, finally understanding, or determining whether something was “right or wrong”. Doyle believes forgiveness has little to do with “feelings or actions or relationships”. For her it’s all about perspective and “zooming out”. As in, can we zoom out to see that our body image was, in many ways, doomed from the start? I don’t mean that pessimistically, just realistically. When we really take a bird’s eye perspective, can we see that our mother’s comments about our body was shaped by her mother’s, and her mother before that? That the tendency for criticism was baked into the fabric of our society and our families, mostly as a way to just survive? Or that boy who made those terrible comments to you on the playground, can you zoom out to see the pain and hurt that he went home to every night of his life? This isn’t to provide an excuse, or understanding, or approval by any means. It’s just another way to view life, a perspective shift that may begin to shift things in your heart.
A Leap of Faith: Choosing Compassion & Trust over Fear
Fear of trying something new, fear of change, fear of failing, fear of being vulnerable and something not working out, fear of judgment… these are just a few fears that hold us back. In addition to difficulties with forgiveness, fear can keep people stuck and prevent us from living the lives we want. So, what’s the antidote?
In DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), the concept or skill is called “turning the mind”. Fear can feel like quicksand; the more you engage with it, the more it can drag you under. We try to rationalize with fear, to over-analyze it, to “figure it all out”… to no avail. The approach to take with fear is one that is paradoxical. (Quick note- I’m talking about the type of fear that is not rooted in the present moment, that is not a true danger to your physical or emotional safety.) The attitude to take is one of approach, not avoidance (as in “I’m going to do that thing I’m afraid of, and I can feel the fear, and also a sense of bravery at the same time”). It’s one that chooses to allow the fear to exist, but not to “feed it”, while we “turn the mind” to a voice of compassion and trust. As they say in DBT, sometimes we have to turn the mind over and over again, until we strengthen the voice of compassion and trust. “No, I just can’t do it!” can shift to: “Okay, this is a bit scary, but I’m open to learning new ways and trying new things- I believe in myself.”
Try the zoom out method of forgiveness and try turning your mind this week. Choose to see that bigger perspective and choose the voice of compassion and trust. These are choices we can all make. It’s not always easy and it takes practice, but these approaches can send us well on our way to ushering out that which no longer serves, and bringing in the life we truly want and deserve. Let me know how it goes!