Food, Bodies, & Overbearing Parenting
We’ve all heard the term helicopter parenting. What about lawnmower, bulldozer, or snowplow parents? These terms all denote a certain type of parental approach: one marked by a high investment in a child’s success; a hyperfocus on reducing obstacles, struggles, and challenges for them; and a desire to get things “just right”. Honestly, can you blame parents these days? The allure of trying to overly control various aspects of our kids’ lives can be such a seductive force. We want them to be happy and well adjusted. We want to keep them safe and protected from the pain, hardships, and many challenges in life. Given the current state of the world, this makes complete sense. Yet, this “over-control” and desire to reduce struggle can actually stifle a child's autonomy, confidence, and inner attunement. As a licensed mental health clinician for close to 20 years, I've observed how parental control, while well-intentioned, can inadvertently backfire.
The Paradox of Control: Stripping Away Autonomy, Confidence, & Inner Attunement
At its core, parental control operates on the premise of oversight and direction, aiming to steer children towards what parents perceive as the "right" path. However, this well-intentioned guidance can sometimes become overbearing and “too much”, shortchanging children of the autonomy necessary for healthy growth and self-discovery. Micromanaging every aspect of a child's life, from their daily routines to their decision-making processes, can send a harmful message: your thoughts and feelings are not to be trusted and come second to external sources of information (i.e., your parents). When children are young there is, of course, great need for parents to provide a high level of oversight and direction. (However, even during these younger stages, I believe there are ways to begin fostering autonomy, confidence and inner attunement in developmentally appropriate ways.) Problems arise when a child grows up and this level of parental control does not shift or adjust. Consequently, children may internalize a sense of inadequacy, doubting their abilities and relinquishing agency over their own lives. Additionally, I often see a great deal of adolescents who do not know how to attune and attend to their own emotion and inner needs. It’s as if they have experienced a significant disconnection with their true selves, since many have not had to exercise these skills on their own at all (or not very much).
Relationship with Food: Nourishment or Nurtured Anxiety?
Ideally, family meal times are all about nourishment and connection (both with self and others). However, for so many families, meals can be filled with anxiety and overwhelm. Parents stress over providing healthy meals, dealing with picky eaters, and limiting the consumption of certain foods. Most parents have ingrained food rules and narratives that they inherited from previous generations. Again, most parents are truly just trying their best- so this is not about judgment! It’s about highlighting the ways in which an overly controlling approach could hinder your children’s ability to intuitively eat and meet the unique needs of their bodies. If we want our children to be able to honor their innate hunger and fullness cues, and to be able to generally tune in to themselves (which research demonstrates is an important key to a healthy, positive relationship with food), we must find ways to provide flexible guidance that honors autonomy, confidence and attunement, not a controling stance that is rigid, imposing and externally-driven.
So, instead of comment like these (which so many of us grew up hearing):
“Clean your plate, or you won't get dessert."
“No snacks after 5pm, even if you’re hungry!”
“You have to finish all your vegetables before you can have anything else."
“You’re not leaving the table until you've eaten everything on your plate."
"Stop eating so much, you'll get fat."
“Woah, I don’t know how you can eat that much!!”
“You sure you want all that??”
Try saying comments geared towards a different approach:
"Listen to your body and eat until you're satisfied.”
“How are you feeling- would you like more?’
“What are you in the mood for tonight?” (when there can be flexibility with meal planning)
“It’s okay to have dessert if you're still hungry after dinner."
“If you don't like a certain food, that's okay. You don't have to eat it."
“Trust yourself to know when you're hungry and when you're full."
Body Image: Distorting Reflections of Self-Worth
Similarly with body image, we can want so badly for our kids to be accepted, to ‘fit-in”, and be confident about their looks. Again, at the root of these desires is to “do right” by our kids and to alleviate suffering. However, again, when we turn to overly-controlling parenting practices, especially in the realm of body image, it can unfortunately have negative consequences. Criticism and/or control of our kids’ physical appearance (or others)- even in the form of seemingly offhand, minor comments- can come at a cost.
“Are you sure you want to wear that?”
“I don’t think that suit is the most flattering…”
“People in our family really have to watch their hips…”
“So-and-so really put on a ton of weight- wonder what happened?!”
These types of comments can cause children to question their inner intuition and sense of self-worth, and to begin viewing certain bodies as inherently good and others as inherently bad. Just like with food, if we’re aiming for autonomy, confidence, and inner attunement when it comes to bodies, comments like these can prove more empowering and supportive:
"Your body is amazing and unique, and no matter what, it deserves to be respected and cared for."
"You are more than just how you look. Your worth comes from who you are as a person."
. "Listen to your body's cues and trust yourself to know what it needs."
"Every body is different, and that's what makes the world interesting and beautiful."
“All bodies have inherent worth and value.”
“I want to empower you to make the best choices for your body, in developmentally appropriate ways.”
“ As your parent, I might share my opinions in a helpful manner and may have certain rules depending on the circumstances (this might pertain to hair dye, piercings, certain ways of dressing, etc.), but it is your body, so let’s talk it over.”