6 Common Pitfalls When Parenting an Anxious Child
Can you relate to thinking or saying the following about your child:
My child just can’t handle that much stress…
My job as parent is to make my child’s life as comfortable as possible.
This is just her way of getting attention!
He’s got to stop being a baby!
I don’t see other kids acting this way…
I try my best to tell her everything’s going to be just fine…nothing bad will happen to her.
Oh, he’s just being silly…
The world is a very scary place- they’ve got to be on guard!
As a licensed clinical mental health provider who's had the privilege of working with many families grappling with childhood anxiety, I've witnessed firsthand the challenges and triumphs that come with the territory. Parenting an anxiously-wired kiddo can feel like an uphill battle at times, but with effective strategies in place and an awareness of common pitfalls, we can parent with increased compassion, resilience and ease.
Today, let’s shed some light on some incredibly common pitfalls of parenting a child with anxiety:
1. Overprotection/Collusion:
Picture this: your child expresses unease about attending a party or trying out for the school play. Your natural instinct kicks in – you want to shield them from discomfort. “Oh, ok, we can sit this one out, sweetie… but let’s try again for the next one.” But here's the catch: overprotection can inadvertently reinforce your child's anxiety. By constantly swooping in to rescue them from perceived threats, you're sending the message that the world is too scary/uncomfortable/distressing, and they need your constant protection and help avoiding stressors. This can hinder their ability to develop both coping skills and resilience. Instead, aim to strike a balance between supporting them right where they are and motivating them towards growth. Validate their feelings while lovingly encouraging them to confront their fears in manageable doses.
2. Demanding Behavior:
As parents, we want what's best for our kids – that's a given. However, demanding perfection from them, especially in the realm of academics or extracurricular activities, can fuel their anxiety. Setting unrealistically high standards can create a pressure cooker environment where mistakes are feared rather than embraced as opportunities for growth. Remember, it's okay for your child to stumble along the way. Offer praise for effort rather than solely focusing on outcomes. Celebrate progress, no matter how small, and emphasize the importance of resilience and perseverance.
Sometimes parents might not demand perfection or impossibly high standards to be met, but they demand for their child to “do better” or “get over” something on their timeline. Kids just aren’t wired to do this. Fear and anxiety are real struggles, not something that someone can choose to “get over” in a few moments. (There are physiological as well as development reasons for this). Again, be aware of any demands you may be placing on your child for them to function beyond their capacity- this pressure most often serves to exacerbate the anxiety.
3. Over-Reassurance:
"Everything will be fine." "There's nothing to worry about." While these reassurances may seem like a lifeline in the moment, they can inadvertently backfire by reinforcing your child's hypervigilance and need to constantly check in with you. Constant reassurance can fuel dependency, making it difficult for your child to develop their own, internal coping mechanisms. Instead of providing blanket reassurances, validate your child's feelings and offer practical strategies for managing anxiety. Teach them relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation, and encourage problem-solving skills.
So instead of, “Everything will be fine- there’s nothing to worry about”, you could try saying, “What do you need right in this moment to feel more secure and safe, and how can you trust in your ability to cope?”
4. Modeling Anxiety:
As parents, we serve as powerful role models for our children. Research shows parental thinking styles strongly predict anxiety in children. Our attitudes and behaviors towards stress and uncertainty can profoundly influence how they approach similar situations. If you find yourself frequently expressing worry or catastrophizing events, your child may internalize these anxious patterns of thinking. Be mindful of how you handle stressors in your own life, and strive to model healthy coping strategies.
5. Invalidating Feelings:
When faced with a tearful child expressing fears or worries, it can be tempting to dismiss their emotions with well-intentioned phrases like "Don't be silly" or "There's nothing to be afraid of." While your intentions may be to provide comfort, invalidating your child's feelings can send the message that their emotions are unwarranted, irrational, or not to be trusted. Instead, validate their feelings by acknowledging their experience and offering empathy. Let them know that it's okay to feel scared or anxious, and that you're there to support them every step of the way. Sometimes with anxiety, I like to coach parents to refer to it as an “overprotective friend”- one that triggers the “something is wrong!” alarm a little too easily. It doesn’t mean the child’s experience of the anxiety is wrong or something to just dismiss; we can validate the feeling and experience, while also creating space to question the anxiety’s message and corresponding behavioral urges (i.e., “Something terrible is going to happen if I go to that party so I must avoid!”).
6. Neglecting Self-Care:
Parenting an anxious child can be emotionally taxing, leaving little time or energy for self-care. However, neglecting your own well-being only serves to exacerbate stress and burnout, making it even more challenging to support your child effectively. Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul, whether it's practicing mindfulness, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, or seeking support from friends and family. By taking care of yourself, you're better equipped to show up as the calm, grounded presence your child needs.
I hope that by becoming more mindful of these common pitfalls and approaching parenting challenges with compassion and resilience, you can lay a foundation for your child to flourish and thrive, anxiety and all. Anxiety doesn’t have to define or consume your life or your child’s. Check out some of the resources below if you’d like to learn more.
Anxiety and Depression Association of America
Child Mind Institute
The Child Anxiety Network
The Mighty
https://themighty.com/topic/anxiety/collections
Worry Wise Kids